Testimonies

When I was pregnant with my fourth child, I was plagued by depression. I was very familiar with post partum depression but never heard anything about depression during pregnancy. I thought I was crazy. I didn't want to tell anyone, not a doctor and not my husband, because I was so scared they would think I was crazy and an unfit mother. My thoughts were dark and disturbing. I concealed it thinking it would go away once I had my baby. It didn't.

 

After I had my baby the depression continued. I continued to hide it, but it didn't work. My family could see how sad I was. My husband encouraged me to get help. I felt I could talk to my doctor about it since we could call it post partum depression. It wasn't until I heard about Kassy's Kause that I discovered depression during pregnancy is a medical condition, called Prenatal Depression, and it's very real. I wish I had known then what I know now. I would have gotten help for my medical condition as soon as it started. I wouldn't have spent years trying to think myself into happiness. With all my heart I encourage those who suffer from antepartum depression to talk to your family and your doctor and get help. Happiness is within your reach. There is always help and hope.

-Anonymous NM

I am in my mid 20's and have been married for 4 yrs. I have a 2 yr old and newborn.  I had a good experience with my first pregnancy but with my 2nd one I went thru roller coaster emotional
feelings. I would cry more and at times cry myself to sleep.  I didn't even know why, just felt so unhappy.  I try to cover up my feelings cause I felt I didn't know how to explain what I was going thru.  With my 2nd pregnancy I also had more fatigue and vomiting that didn't stop. I was scared to be left alone with my 2 yr old.  I sometimes wanted to just walk away when she cried. I didn't know where to turn.  I didn't think anyone could help me.
Not even my husband cause he kept comparing my emotions to our first pregnancy.  He sometimes walked away and thought leaving me alone would help, but it didn't.  It made me
feel more anxiety that he didn't understand and that I was really alone in this pregnancy.  It wasn't until my friend told me about someone she knew who had a friend that suffered Perinatal Depression. I had never heard of this. I got onto the website and searched information. My heart dropped and I quickly went to my mid wife and asked why I was not informed of this. She really couldn't explain why its not discussed but was happy I did come to her. I was put on some light depression medications and my son is here because I learned of this depression. I hope others get this information on time too. Its so important.

Debbie
California

My name is Trisha and I recently got pregnant.  I just started college so this pregnancy was not planned. I want to feel happy but instead I feel motionless.  I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I had to change a lot of my eating habits, sleeping schedules and even activities. Went to my first appointment and explained my overwhelming
feelings about this pregnancy.  My doctor just told me to think positive, nothing else. I googled feeling down and anxiety feelings while pregnant and found this information.  I am concern after reading your story.  I am sorry for your loss.  After reading the information, I will be looking for the signs.  I do plan to put child up for adoption.  At least I know I can give birth to a healthy baby.  I admire what

you are doing. Thank you for taking the time to find out all this information to help others.

Trisha
New Mexico

Hi I'd like to share an experience in my life so in one way or another women can know about some medication that can trigger a situation into a fatal result. On 12/98
I was pregnant with my 3rd child. In all my pregnancies I get very sick.  My vomiting gets out of control which gives me anxiety.  The doctors have always prescribed 
Phenergan and other medications that sometimes have worked. With my 3rd child the vomiting was so uncontrollable and I thought this was just me being pregnant.  The  doctor advised to take the meds as needed. Little by little the vomiting slowed down but my anxiety got higher.  Horrible feelings just creeped up on me and the worse my anxiety got the more I felt the desire to want to throw myself out the window, wanted to throw myself against the walls to stop the horrible feelings in my body, even to the point of wanting to grab a knife. I never did do any of it, although it was going thru my mind.  Thank God my cousin came by to visit and she noticed I didn't look well and could see my anxiety was just out of control.  She right away took me to the hospital to control all those horrible emotions.  I believe now a days, we have to be careful of the medication that is given to us while we are pregnant.  Yes, I did need them but not knowing what I was exactly feeling and then adding medication to escalate my emotions could have caused me to take my life. I hope I could help women with my experience to be careful of the medications you take while pregnant cause your body is naturally going thru chemical imbalance as it is. We should express to our doctors what we are exactly feeling to get the correct help.

Anonymous
Utah

My name is Stefanie and I am 36 years old. Professionally, I am a therapist/counselor. Personally, I am a wife and mom of two, one angel baby (miscarriage) and a baby girl who is 6 months old. I myself struggled (perhaps I should say struggle) with perinatal/postpartum anxiety & depression.

After losing my 1st baby & becoming pregnant again, one would think that it would have been nothing but  happiness...but it wasn't...everyday I was terrified that I'd lose her. Through each trimester kept finding myself worried that something would happen. I kept questioning if my 1st baby was mad that I was excited for the new baby and that would depress me. I felt so frightened that I'd lose my baby, but I didn't and I had a beautiful baby girl.

After having her, I experienced feelings of guilt (this was not an emotion that I was familiar or comfortable with). The birth was an emerge I c-section which was unplanned & traumatizing. I had/have lactation issues. It felt like her birth & breastfeeding were the two things I should have been able to get right but I couldn't.  I often felt ashamed & inadequate. It's difficult to have feelings of almost constant self-doubt & anxiety. I'd lay awake all night to ensure she was breathing. Nighttime seemed to be the time that the anxiety/depression was the worst. I'd find myself questioning if my baby would be better off without me-I'd think to myself, that I was a horrible mom & that I'd only damage her with my fears. I'd feel so unworthy that I couldn't even breastfeed by baby without relying on mostly donor milk. I'd often wondered why I deserved to be her mom.

Luckily I have a strong support system in my spouse & I was able to convey my feeling of guilt, self doubt, inadequacies. I'd ask for help to ensure I had an eye kept on me so that I didn't feel so overwhelmed one day taking pills would be an option.  Reaching out for help was the best thing for me & although most days are better, I still moments have to remind myself that I'm fine and doing the best I can. I actually think that being a therapist is the only thing made me realize logically that I wasn't alone in this...and neither are you...reach out for support & help. It does get better. 

 

 

Stefanie

New Mexico

With my first born. I had just moved to Alamosa, CO with Louie, my boyfriend at the time. I was miserable, crying almost every night and day.  He had gotten a full ride scholarship to the college in this small city.  When we were moving out there plans changed and we were moving into family housing for the college and wouldn’t be allowed to take our puppy with us.  If you know me, you would know that when they live with me they become part of my family.  It broke my heart. Our first week there I spent most of it in bed crying feeling trapped in this small little house that was made out of cinder block; like a jail cell I felt everything wasn’t right.  I had no idea I was pregnant yet.


I spent most of my days in bed, either throwing up or crying. Louie began to grow apart from me and annoyed with the fact that I wasn’t grateful. His life was moving forward but mine was stuck in this house with people I didn’t know or want to socialize with. I then grew really sick, feverish sick.  My parents drove out to Alamosa to pick me up and take me to see a doctor. They gave me antibiotics and didn’t think twice to give me a pregnancy test.


Back in Alamosa, nothing changed I was still miserable, and then things got worse. My boyfriend and I broke up.  He told me he needed a break and to go back to New Mexico because he couldn’t handle my crying and felt that we needed to be away from each other.  He drove me back to New Mexico in silence, while I bawled my eyes out in the passenger seat.  I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to live. I had the idea of getting a pregnancy test because I was not getting any better.


I am pregnant and I decided to tell him.  He laughed… Which brought me even farther down this horrible hole.  I kept digging it farther and farther and I had no idea what was happening or what I was going through. This feeling was all new to me, I was always sensitive as a child, but as I got older I learned to be more selective of what I cried about. But these days I was crying over absolutely everything and it wasn’t from being pregnant.


After a week of having my baby boy at home I was sent to see my OB.  My OB brought in a woman to ask a bunch of different questions that required a ton of thought on my behalf.  She then turned and said I was experiencing HIGH ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION.
When I heard that it sounded so gruesome. Like I wasn’t a real person or a bad person, someone not fit. That hole that I dug myself during pregnancy just got bigger because now I have a name for what is going on with me.  I was put on antidepressant and told I needed to adjust my eating habits and try to do more positive things.


Almost two years past and I was doing very well. Then I found I was pregnant again.  Back down the hole I went again, causing me to do less at work and asking for more days off. Not wanted to get up in the morning or do anything during the day. I finally had to quit my job and stay home.  Being that I was pregnant I was terrified to take antidepressants so, I stopped. According to my doctor, to “all of a sudden” stop taking these medications can cause even worse depression and anxiety. Which in my case was, accurate?  I was doing okay at this point no suicidal thoughts, no anxiety, and no major depression.
Then after the hospital my thoughts started coming back.  “Am I a suitable mother?”


“These kids deserve so much better...”


“Why do I keep feeling this way?”


Until finally I came back to my doctor and put me back on my antidepressants and again changed my diet and routine.  Till this day my anxiety and depression haunt me, but I keep these little monsters as far away from my kids and family as I can. I continue to see my therapist and my doctor when I am feeling low. Sometimes the medication helps, sometimes it doesn’t, but I pull myself out of bed every day. I refuse to get pulled back into the hole I dug so far. I never want to hurt my loved ones or myself.  No matter what my monsters tell me.   I currently have a service dog to help with my anxiety or depression.  Never thought being pregnant could lead to this but I know I can overcome them by thinking positive.  There is always someone out there to talk too, never go a day holding anything in.

Olivia

New Mexico

Hello!

 

I want to say I’m happy to find this even though it’s too late for me. It was such a rocky road just a few months ago. None of my doctors knew what perinatal or antenatal depression was when I asked about it.  At 10 weeks, pregnant with twins, I ended up having an abortion because I was going to commit suicide and I couldn’t find any other options or help. Now I know better and what to do next time. But I’m glad you’re raising awareness for this issue. 

 

Aj

I was told I wouldn't be able to have children.  Here I was in my mid 20's trying to make a broken marriage work.  I get pregnant with a miracle baby and I was so excited and I hoped that this will help our situation. It didn't, it made it worse.  I already suffer from depression and my depression got worse.  I had horrible thoughts of wanting to end my life or at least the babie’s life. I felt bringing it to this world where I was not going to be a good mom and he was showing not to be a good dad was not fair for this baby.  I caught myself having anxiety thinking what will be and felt I had to end my life. I cried myself to sleep all the time. I didn't have his support, just judged, criticized and belittled of probably not being fit to be a mom. I wish my doctors could have told me, my depression can get worse. They had my history, but no one helped me with information. Just what to expect with my body changing, information about nursing and postpartum.  Even though I had family support advising me to eat healthy and attend all my doc appts.  I didn't tell them what I was experiencing. I felt I was going crazier then I already felt I was.  My emotions felt like a roller coaster. After she was born though I dedicated myself to do all I can for her. I loved her with all my heart but my relationship was still rocky.  I finally accepted it is going nowhere and I want out. I finally am ready to offer this baby a future ….find out I am pregnant again. Not good news this time.  I noticed my feelings and emotions so different.  I was mad and angry about this happening.  I felt I just had my baby in my hand to worry about.  I didn't tell him but I didn't believe in abortion, so I kept this baby but knew I was not going to love the baby.  I worked all the way till the day I gave birth.  Felt if I didn't think about it, I would just give birth faster.  When I did give birth I didn't want to hold her I felt even worse cause I should love this baby just as I loved the first. I couldn't!  I wanted too, but I didn't care. She would cry and I didn't want to pick her up. I just scream – Shut Up! My family noticed right away. I had horrible ideas in my mind of how to shut her up. I knew I wouldn't go thru with them but the thoughts were scary. I went back to work right away. I knew my family would help and support what we all knew to be postpartum signs.  It took 2 yrs for me to get close to my child. My depression is being monitored along with other health issues I have now.  My relationship with my children is important. I do still at times catch myself of not wanting to do things with them.  I deal with my depression and hope that other women can get the help while they are pregnant if suffer from depression. Its not fun and painful in many ways.  You doubt being able to ever have a family. I am glad this cause is here to help us women know, we don't want to feel this way, we can get help.

Rosie, New Mexico

My wife and I are pregnant!!! She's 11 weeks! We are so happy, we have a baby on the way, bought a house and things are a blessing.  What I want to share with you is that because we are pregnant and because of Kassy's Kause , I know about a condition I never knew about before and my wife and I had a conversation around it.  It just meant a lot and I'm really thankful and even though I never knew Kassy, she impacted my life.

Chris, NM

I just want to thank you for starting this program and I wish I had found it sooner. I’m glad it’s available to others.


In 2014  I had two miscarriages about three months apart.  After the second one I suffered from postpartum anxiety/OCD/insomnia.  It's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with...  It almost stopped my husband and I from trying for another baby but we decided to give it one more try and I became pregnant with my 2nd son.  I was put on progesterone with the  Second miscarriage and put back on with my 2nd pregnancy.  I felt great my first trimester and when my second trimester came, so did the insomnia and anxiety.  I started Lexapro and continued on it till the end of my pregnancy.  I also started therapy (EMDR). After my son was born in September 2015 I did pretty well for about two months.  And then I got hit like a ton of bricks.  I increased my Lexapro and when that didn't work I switch to Zoloft.  I was also in therapy once a week and acupuncture once a week.  With a lot of support I am doing much better.  I am 2 1/2 years postpartum and more in love with my son than ever before.  I still have hard days but it's so much better then it was.

Sarah, NM

© 2016 by Kassys Kause

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